Talk:Raid on Onigashima

bits still feel off?
even though I know this page is constantly being updated, the grammar still feels off when reading. take "While he was briefly trapped under a pile of rubble, Orochi was beyond shocked when he discovered that the geisha "Komurasaki" he was enamored with for so long was in reality his enemy Oden's daughter, Kozuki Hiyori as she exclaimed all her animosity towards Orochi while she informed him that every day he sat on throne of Wano was a day too long and he was never truly the shogun." for example, it seems too jumbled, it's missing a "the" before "throne," and it (seems to be) missing a comma directly after "Hiyori." it's not hard to understand the sentence though, but when it continuously happens where i have to reread part of a sentence due to its jumbled-ness several times over, it discourages me from continuing to read. there are other examples too, but im not good at rewriting entire pages, it's a decent page but still a bit off to me. (Haresen12 (talk) 05:51, 14 August 2022 (UTC))

the page is looking better, i know my previous talk section was a bit rude, i apologize. hopefully the mass editing of this page will soon be over. (Haresen12 (talk) 03:03, 19 August 2022 (UTC))

How can I fix it?
All the info is both relevant and accurate so what gives?

Somebody tell me what I can do to get rid of this permeantly.

Grammer issues? Conjugation issues? Punctuation issues? Vocabulary issues?

Tell me what wrong with it and I'll try and fix it.

Brian Dodd (talk) 02:11, 29 2022 (UTC)

(warning) I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL, please take everything here with a 'grain of salt,' i may have misspoke or presented misinformation regarding anything in the following paragraphs.

i believe it's a mix of stuff like the grammar and punctuation. i'm no where near an expert in grammar but it throws off a page when it's written more like a high school paper than something resembling an encyclopedia article. usually i'll just read a section and if it seems too off or i notice an obvious typo, i'll try to edit it, i generally look for the more common mistakes like forgetting or putting too many commas or putting double words/spaces, splitting extremely long sentences into 2 sentences when it makes it more fluent, making sure that paragraphs aren't just a mix of random thoughts but rather a continuous 'thought' (sort of) whenever i am editing. sometimes something as simple as rewording an odd sentence can change the appearance of a paragraph for the better (or the worse i suppose). whenever i get stuck and don't know the proper rule for whatever i'm trying to fix, or even how to fix it, i'll look up the more reliable sources for grammar rules and sometimes try to find examples of the correct usage, usually that works the best for me personally but it depends on what works best for you. there's also the manual of style which can be referred to for general info on styling and common issues. it's also nice to have a simple spell checker like your browser's built in one of course but it's a good idea to check yourself after everything is finished just to make sure it didn't miss any (at least the obvious ones like "Kadiou (instead of Kaidou)" or "son (instead of sun)," though others like the non-americanized english version of something may be harder to find if you're not properly looking). it's also good to check that you didn't use contractions like "didn't," "can't," or "isn't" (though I haven't actually noticed that here, it's good to mention). like i said in the first section of this page, the raid page is looking a lot better overall.

also i just wanted to mention that just because something is accurate/relevant, doesn't mean it's clean. "He likes skateboarding cause he liked his mom's last sport that she played before he was born and before she died later after she has surgery and can't move well or do skateboarding." vs "Albert started to skateboard, and currently enjoys it, because his mother, a professional skateboarder prior to having an accident resulting in paralysis, died in a car crash 3 years ago." or something similar are both saying roughly the same thing but one sounds a lot more understandable/professional than the other.

if i were personally editing this paragraph; Kaidou's fellow Emperor Big Mom was reunited with her son Charlotte Perospero who is also an officer of her crew. She stated to her first-born offspring that joining forces with Kaidou was her idea, so Perospero reluctantly accepted her decision. Just as Perospero was about to use one of his candy arrows to kill Marco, who was held captive by his mother, he was attacked by the Minks named Carrot and Wanda in their Sulong forms and Marco was freed. After which Perospero promptly defeated the two female warriors, while Big Mom rendezvoused with Kaidou.

i would do something like this, just playing around with a few things (didn't actually look up rules or look at the manual of style to verify); Kaidou's fellow Emperor Big Mom was reunited with Charlotte Perospero, her first-born child (or son) and an officer of the Big Mom Pirates(or her crew), and stated (or stating, depending on what the correct rule usage) that joining forces with Kaidou was her idea, (unsure how to bridge these 2 fluently but sounds off as is) Perospero reluctantly accepted her decision. (this feels like a harsh jump but idk how to bridge/adjust it) Just as Perospero was about to use one of his candy arrows to kill Marco, who was held captive by Perospero's mother (or just 'by Big Mom' to remove repetitive), Perospero (i assume) was attacked by the Carrot and Wanda in their Sulong forms, freeing Marco. Perospero proceeded to (any number of phrases like "just after," "after which," "right after," "afterward," "...co. Perospero proceeded to def...," etc could be used), Perospero (i assume but could be mistaken) defeat the two female mink warriors while Big Mom rendezvoused with Kaidou.

edits i made read as such; Kaidou's fellow Emperor Big Mom was reunited with Charlotte Perospero, her first-born child and an officer of the Big Mom Pirates, and stated that joining forces with Kaidou was her idea, Perospero reluctantly accepted her decision. Just as Perospero was about to use one of his candy arrows to kill Marco, who was held captive by Perspero's mother, Perospero was attacked by the Carrot and Wanda in their Sulong forms, freeing Marco. Perospero proceeded to defeat the two female mink warriors while Big Mom rendezvoused with Kaidou.

i think another issue to bring up is the mass editing of one or two sentences and then saving and repeating several times. personally, i think it would easier to look back through 1-5 revisions than 25+ as an outsider looking through past edits, plus it takes up a lot of space on the revisions page. i would recommend reading over an entire section and making several edits within 1 edit and then saving and going back and fix any mistakes if any slipped through. i also think it might be healthy to edit a good bit and then take a brake from editing, come back and look through the edits again and adjust them. sometimes a fresh pair of eyes can reveal un-noticed mistakes or odd portions of something. btw, i am not trying to sound offensive or rude here, just that this much editing is a lot for one page in such short amounts of time. (Haresen12 (talk) 03:33, 29 August 2022 (UTC))