User blog:Kaido King of the Beasts/Ranking Devil Fruits that Babies Could Use to Kick My Ass

If a baby ate a Devil Fruit, it could potentially be pretty bad. Some fruits are inherently powerful enough that they could allow the baby to kick your ass. However some fruits would probably be pretty useless if eaten by the average baby. So today I'm going to rank the Top 5 least threatening and most threatening Devil Fruits in terms of infant consumption. These lists include both canon and non-canon fruits.

Top 5 Least Threatening Fruits for Babies
Honorable Mention - Hito Hito no Mi: If this was a simple, low IQ list this fruit would certainly be at Number 1. The baby may achieve enlightenment but they will forget it five minutes later. You might even forget they ate a Devil Fruit until they drown during swimming lessons at age 4.

5. Yuki Yuki no Mi: The best Logia fruit you could give to a baby, as they will be captivated by the snow. Their cuddles may give you hypothermia, but this baby will be next to useless in battle. Not to mention that snow has perhaps the highest number of weaknesses of all the Logia elements. Note: This fruit is more dangerous when consumed by Canadian or Scandinavian babies.

4. Noro Noro no Mi: The hard truth is, babies are slow as shit. They can hit you with a beam all you want, but their supernatural power cannot compensate for their weak legs and lack of motor skills. Additionally if you put a baby in front of a mirror, chances are they hit themselves with their beams and render themselves even less capable of kicking your ass.

3. Soru Soru no Mi: I have not met anyone who has been afraid of a baby, so good luck taking my lifespan. Any object the baby brings to life with their own soul can be a nice companion, but so long as the baby has yet to realize my ass needs kicking the homies they make won't do anything. Best to keep an eye on the number of homies over the years, though, else it could set you up to be overrun by an angry toddler's army.

2. Shari Shari no Mi: Babies love wheels going round and round, and do not understand the gruesome implications and potential of crushing people under the weight of a Goodyear tire. With this fruit a baby will pose little threat to you, as they cannot use wheels to escape confinement, and if anything they can actually help you as you will never lose a baby race again.

1. Bisu Bisu no Mi: Babies are similar to Charlotte Cracker in that they hate pain, but they have none of the intellect and crafting skill of the 45-year-old Sweet Commander. Eating the Bisu Bisu no Mi allows a child to feed themself without becoming so self-sufficient that they consider it worthwhile to kick your ass, and throwing biscuits at you is the best chance of combat they have.

Top 5 Most Threatening Fruits for Babies
Honorable Mention - Hie Hie no Mi: The average baby has seen Frozen and Frozen II enough times to have an advanced understanding of how to utilize ice powers. A baby with this fruit would almost certainly put the world into the next ice age.

5. Buki Buki no Mi: What if your baby was a bomb? While certainly ripe with potential to kick your ass, a proper relationship with baby could potentially let you wield them in glorious combat.

4. Yomi Yomi no Mi: Although adults have struggled to figure out the full potential of this fruit, I'm not putting anything past a baby. For one, if you have to defend yourself against a potential asskicking, your task will be longer and more arduous since they can come back to life. And if anyone can fully tap into the cry of their soul, it's a baby. Seeing a baby's disembodied soul can scar some people forever, and be an easy path to getting your ass beat psychologically.

3. Zou Zou no Mi, Model Mammoth: Many Zoan fruits could potentially be troublesome if eaten by a baby, but I think this one stands as the most likely to kick your ass. The baby has a clear weapon in their trunk that they could use to demolish you instantly, and trample over everything you hold dear. And what separates this from the regular Zou Zou no Mi is that they're covered in hair, meaning the mess they could create after just one trip to the mud puddle might require federal attention.

2. Goe Goe no Mi: Rumor has it this fruit is non-canon because Oda couldn't put off the temptation to let a character eat it and become the world's most powerful being. This fruit was literally designed for babies, and turns their method of communication into a weapon of mass destruction. Do not even let your baby watch One Piece: The Movie, and if you see it airing on TV alert the FCC immediately.

1. Hobi Hobi no Mi: While the Goe Goe no Mi may be best suited for babies specifically, the ultimate outlet for babies to kick your ass comes in the form of this fruit. One touch, and you're done forever. The scary part is, this fruit doesn't even need to be fully functional to turn a baby into your worst nightmare, as even if it didn't erase people's memories of you, the baby's lack of object permanence will ensure that they are never concerned with your departure. And if that's not bad enough, your transformation into a toy means that the baby is now physically superior to you and capable of kicking your ass in every way possible. Now, the one benefit to this fruit is that it would cause the baby to stop aging, so it's likely that they won't be able to kick your ass forever. However, this applies moreso to really young babies; if this is a toddler we're talking about you may find they not only have the uncanny ability to live off the land, but turn into a global threat in the process.

I hope this blog was informative. What other DFs would you put in the most and least threatening categories to help people with their baby problems?