User blog:Kaido King of the Beasts/The Shichibukai Audition Process

''The World Military Draft. Men and women are conscripted from all around the world. But the World Government doesn't just need Marines, it needs three more Shichibukai. With multitudes of pirates to choose from, the Marines decide to hold auditions to find the best of the best.''

Sakazuki: All right, is everyone ready to start?

Kizaru: I guess. Shichibukai are always a weird bunch. Shame Ryokugyu couldn't be here to help judge.

Fujitora: Yes, sad...though it feels strangely convenient.

Sakazuki: All right, all right, we haven't got all day...who's first?

''A normal-sized man comes in, wearing a polo shirt and tie. He trembles, looking quite nervous.''

Sakazuki: Sit down.

Applicant 1: Uh...ok...on what?

Sakazuki: The chair in front of you.

The man blushes and sits down.

Kizaru: Sooo...Kyle is your name, yes? What pirating activities have you been involved in?

Kyle: Pirating activities? Well...uh, one time, I streamed this movie on the internet...

Fujitora: What's this "internet?"

Kizaru: Uh huh...why do you feel you are qualified to join the Shichibukai.

Kyle: ...Look, I'll get real honest...I've been out of work for five months! My wife and five kids are about to leave me, and I'm desperate enough to take a job at McDonald's! Please hire me, I beg you!

Sakazuki: This isn't McDonald's. Get out, you moron.

Kyle: But...there's those golden arches outside! Are you sure-

Sakazuki: Get out! Go sell...weapons, or something!

Kyle quickly pedals out the door in fear.

Kizaru: Mmm...why do we have those arches, anyways?

Fujitora: McDonald's sponsorship. We blew all our funds on creating large juveniles and buying textbooks.

Sakazuki: Shut up! Next!

''A large and rotund man waddles in. He wears a large trench coat with a ten-foot neck and a hat to match''

Applicant 2: Er, hello...my name is Banko Moribando...you may not know me but I'm a powerful pirate...I'd like to join the Shichibukai!

Sakazuki: Get out, Moriah.

Moribando: What?? I'm not Moriah! I'm flattered to be compared to that amazing pirate, but...

Sakazuki: NEXT!

Moriah casts off his sack cloth

Moriah: Come on guys! I promise, if you give me another chance-

Sakazuki raises his eyebrows, and Moriah runs away in tears

Law: Hello there.

Kizaru: Oh, you're one of those Supernovas! Trafalgar Law...

Law: I come with a gift. Behold...100 pirate hearts!

Law opens a briefcase, and out spill the hearts.

Kizaru: Goodness, that's a scary sight!

Fujitora gags on his noodles when he notices the hearts.

Fujitora: Put those away, young pirate! You're ruining my appetite! Next!

Sakazuki: You wouldn't happen to have Monkey D. Luffy's heart, would you?

Kizaru: Or my ex-girlfriend's? Sorry, that would be impossible...

Law: Afraid not, but they're labeled for your convenience. I'll show myself out. Shambles!

Law disappears, and taking his place is a teenager with a 3-foot mohawk and a guitar slung on his back.

Kizaru: And who might you be?

Applicant 4: They call me Heavymetal...though my adoring fans call me Smooth.... I'm a fearsome pirate with a soulful heart...son of the great Rockstar...

Fujitora: Who's Rockstar?

Smooth: Why does no one know who my dad is??? He's part of the Yonko Red Hair's crew, goddammit! He has a bounty of-

Kizaru: Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.

Sakazuki: Enough with this nonsense. Tell us why you are qualified to be a Shichibukai!

Smooth: Well, words carry a lot of power, ya know...but to truly pour out my heart's contents, I can only turn to music.

He pulls out his guitar and begins strumming, before cranking it up to an ear-piercing volume.

♪Oh I wanna be a Shichibukai ♪ ♪My friends said I can't, they left me to dry ♪ ♪But now they're dead and here I am ♪ ♪''I can't think of a rhyme so spam! ''♪

Fujitora: That was...very disturbing. Go see a counselor.

Smooth: ♪''That's not cool bro! Now verse 2! out of 167! ''♪

Shortly afterward

Fujitora: You know Sakazuki, if you're gonna punch someone with magma, try to avoid hitting the table.

Kizaru: We are not off to a good start are we?

Sakazuki: All right. Next up is...Edward Weevil.

Kizaru: Edward??

Weevil walks in, pressed on by Bakkin, who follows close behind.

Weevil: I'm scared mommy!

Bakkin: Shut up! You'll do fine! I'll let you pillage whatever Whitebeard crew you want if you make this!

Sakazuki: So...what pirating activities have you been involved in?

Weevil: Uh, well you see, I'm Whitebeer's son! See? My beer is white!

Kizaru: Oh, you got beer? Mind hitting me up?

Fujitora: Whitebeard's son...

Sakazuki: I find that extremely hard to believe...and who are you?

Bakkin: I'm Miss Bakkin, your honor. I was once Whitebeard's lover, and it's always been my goal to raise my son in his father's image.

Weevil: Yeah! I'm Whitebeer's only child! ''Weevil's mustache begins slipping off, and he notices this and realigns it. Bakkin slaps him on the back, and Sakazuki looks unamused.''

Sakazuki: Whitebeard's son or not, what've you done as a pirate?

Weevil: Ooh yes...you see, I cut off your old boss' arm!

''Weevil brings up a suitcase and opens it. Inside is Z's arm.''

Fujitora: What's going on with severed body parts all of a sudden???

Sakazuki: Hmmm...I've never seen an arm like that in my life.

Kizaru: Wait a second! I vaguely remember this old guy...he was with us at first...but I killed him...hmmm...

Weevil: Well, uh...I didn't exactly do it here, I, uh...went to another place...

Sakazuki: You mean the Toei dimension?? Sorry, but events there have no effect on what happens here.

Weevil: But I-well you see, it's kind of vague for me too...I'm not exactly sure if I was the one...

Fujitora: I see. We'll take you under consideration. Next!

Bakkin: That was terrible! *Slaps Weevil* But I still love you...now, we'll go destroy those Decalvan Brothers...

Several dozen auditions later, the last applicant has been reviewed, and the admirals sit wearily at their desk, which has mostly been reduced to ashes.

Fujitora: None of us bet it'd be a disaster that horrendous...

Kizaru: I know. The only guys that looked okay were Trafalgar and that Edward guy.

Sakazuki: 51 of those candidates were the same guy...he seemed hell-bent on destroying the Toei universe for some reason...

Kizaru: There was that clown I saw in the Battle of Marineford. He's a weakling, but he holds a lot of respect. Perhaps we should offer the last spot to him...

Sakazuki: Sounds better than everyone else...

Fujitora: Hey guys, instead of having to sit through this years and years on end, why don't we try destroying the Shichibukai system?

Sakazuki: You know, Fujitora, I occasionally like the way you think.

Best Shichibukai? Mihawk Crocodile Doflamingo Moriah Kuma Hancock Jinbe Buggy Law Weevil

Worst Shichibukai? Mihawk Crocodile Doflamingo Moriah Kuma Hancock Jinbe Buggy Law Weevil