User blog:Angel Emfrbl/Why so bitter?

So someone asked me a few months bck (not on the wikia but elsewhere) why I've seemed so bitter since my early giggly fangirl days when I first joined the One Piece fandom?

Well a LOT happened.

The wikipedia incident, Greg being a dick, lots of arguments, growing up and maturing from teen, young adult to just an adult... The feeling I'm worthless now to this wikia beyond recalling past events... The Voclaoid fandom constantly reminding its not as fun as the One Piece fandom is also one of the reasons believe it or not, since its become my replacement for the time I spent with this fandom.

So yeh, I end up grumpy regularly nd bitter about how things have generally gone. Add personnel problems weighing me down and reventing me beuing positive and a few bad arcs where not a lot goes on and things get tiring... It all adds up.

My last blog entry I mentioned the net ain't what it used to be, this is true, but for the older generations of net users, returning to the net these days is a commitment more then a pleasure. I literally have no reason to be on here, except that I've been coming to the net since highschool, I can't tell you when I first logged in... Only there was no broadband, only dial up... The Knuckles Archie sonic comic was still running... And that the first website I was asked and told to log into was "Spice Girls" followed by the Manchester United football club website. =_=

My first time touching a windows run computer was junior school, back when 3.1 was the norm.

My first home computer was a spectrum ZX, followed by the Atari STE, the Atari STE consuming most of my childhood memories of enjoyment and my intoduction to Simcity City, Populus and Lemmings.... Amongst other things like that.

So much has changed in my life that speaking to younger net users feels more arkward, at times I feel like an old woman. I've been through more drama then most have, endured hackes and viruses, trolls and spam... These days I've reduced myself down from a dozen sites to a few wikias, newgrounds, youtube and the Escapist magazine and I don';t feel committed to reall venture away from this anymore. Sure, I DO visit other places, but not often and I rarely feel complied to return to some because everyone else does.

I ccan remember when the biggest net meme was a fat dude dancing in front of a web camera...

And as I've mentioned in the past, the hazrds of the Vocaloid fandom was getting to me then, it still does. I deal with copyright, drama and trolling... Idiots and weaboos... I'm sick of it but ust don't feel committed to just moe away from the Vocaloid fandom, despite the fact I left the big fansite because the veteran fans there didn't like me speaking up on something they refuse to accept, because it was a subject they'd rather not discuss or admit exists. I think in comparison to the One Piece fandom and this wikia, this wikia still feels me with joy because I'm proud of how far it comes. People still appricate it and while their not aware that me and the original guys here and what we did for it, it brings a tear to my eye knowing that people rely and use this wikia. Its sort of like a legacey fro older fans of One Piece to younger.

This is not the same in the Vocaloid fandom. The older fans did NOTHING to improve their information flow. I had to sort lies and myths THEY made and spread and got even got slandered at a few points for stepping on their turf. And eventually I resigned from beaucrat at the Vocaloid fandom because they didn't like me being the head of that wikia. My ressignation though, hurt, because after all I did for their fandom they urned around and stabbed me in the eye. I had a nervous break down and its only now I'm starting to brave back to facing the general fandom.

It seems as though the veteran Vocaloid fans were happiest when they didn't have someone trying to do research they couldn't be bothered to do themselves. Take note, for 4 months I begged that same crowd to revamp the wikipedia page so it was actually relivent and actually explained what their fandom was based on. Even now, it feels like I awoke from a dream, a horrible dream that was on the verge of being a nightmare at times. I didn't even get to finish setting things up so their wikia could look after itself so everythings plodding along at medium level instead of leaps and bounds.

Trouble is, I've noted in past entries is I'm not a regluar here and despite my efforts I can't seem to fully intergrade back into this wikia. I'm LITERALLY bumped out by the current generations of editors. Some long termsare still around, but none of the original crowd are and I've said before how lonely it makes me feel not having my "comrades" here.

Sure, I'm bitchy, but if you've read all this and udnerstood why after all this, you have my respect but at least know why I act the way I do. I was also enduring mental abuse until last year in June and its taken one whole year at least to build confidence up to move forward. That mental abuse left me with no hope and no future, I was often on the net acting pitful, paranoid and mistrusting. Take note, I was blackmailed into looking after a disabled parent who was dishing out the abuse and refusing to let me develope a lif eof my own. I got a teachng certificate behind me, but my next course, which would have allowed me to BE a teacher hasn't gone ahead this year so I've taken another stumble and my whole year is basically scraped and thrown away. I do tend to waffle on a lot of the time and my dyslexcia hasn't improved at all.

Regardless, in the last few months I've slowly woken up to what reality is, hardships and sorrows, dealingwith memories that are crippling painful to endure and learning how to deal with them. I do have some amnesia problem as well to deal with, these are memories I've bottled up and stored away and they come out when I don't want to.

Can't really say much, I'm still "around" the wikia but not editing... I think the biggest surprise I've seen, which has struck me for the last couple of years, is how within an hour of the chapter scan being put out this wikia can be up to date (or not depending) and there is nothing to do. Its not always possible to be there the moment it hits and I've got no interest in Arlong Park since the greg incident put me off. >_<