User blog:DancePowderer/672 Abridged

Yes, it's back. Enjoy.

Cover: Lazy Animals.

Law: Mr. 5?

Velgo: Boy, you all kinds of wrong. How dumb do you think we are? We knew about your shit with Caesar since day 1, motha fucka. We sent snow-ho out here so as to keep an eye on you.

Monet: I'm a spy.

Velgo: Shut up ho. You think you hot shit with that Shichibukai title? You looking reeeeeeally smooth now. How's the floor looking?

Law: So, when did you get in?

Velgo: Recently. But before this I was in Dre's Rosa. Rosa's his ho. I caught word that a depressed tanker ship was going out, so for no apparent reason and not knowing where it was going I caught a ride. Pretty lucky I got here, huh?

Law: Luck my ass! What did I do to put you in such a good mood, meathead?

Velgo: Meathead? Whatever. You're lucky this is the mood I'm in, otherwise the only remnant of your existence would be a butt-shaped dent in the wall to show where it landed after I beat your ass off. Have I condescended enough yet? I haven't? Ok, I'm a grownup, you're not. Now that that's over, I need to make more overt references. You're playing with the big boys now. Welcome to the Matrix dome! I'm gonna beat your ass so hard that when I'm through with you, they gonna call you Little Drummer Bitch.

Law: Seriously? No one's going to say or do anything about the New York Strip on this white after Labor Day wearing asshole's cheek? I mean, I've heard of getting food on your face, but not the whole meal. You messy eating bastard, fear my obvious act of desperation...As soon as I pick up my f#%king sword...Damn it! What are you? A bloodbender?

Velgo: Hoes, they never learn, do they? The irony of this whole thing is that you're a Virgo. Ain't that funny?

Monet: Heheh, I'm a piece of gardening equipment.

Velgo: You sure are. Pimp Cane Cracka! I know what you're wondering. Did I hit him one time with Haki or was it only once with a Devil Fruit ability? The answer may surprise you. You gonna call me daddy from now on. Ok, new bitch?

Marine: What's happening?

Other Marine: I don't know!

Other Other Marine: Let's just do what we always do, stand here uselessly while main characters hog all the spotlight.

First Other Marine: Oh...Shit. That's Smoker...and he's unconscious...So's Tashigi...And the Straw Hats...WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED! I LEAVE FOR THREE MINUTES TO TAKE A PISS, AND WHEN I COME BACK, EVERYONE'S DEAD! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!?

Clown: Ahh, it's good to be the king.

Second Other Marine: Am I the only one who's thinking what we could do with Tashigi's body now that Smoker is unconscious....

New Marine Entirely: No, but the thought of Smoker waking up during is actually making mine retreat inward, almost to the point of reverse puberty. I'll call dibs on the other unconscious chick.

Clown: Too late, Marines, I already called dibs on the lot of them!

Centaurs: Yay! Food!

Clown: Tie up all the named characters, using Seastone on the fruity ones. Then come inside. Through no fault of my own, it's raining corrosive jelly. If you want food, the yetis fucked up royally enough for it to be justified, so go crazy. Marines, if you want to live, bribe me! Money, it's a gas.

Brook: Listen, Zoro, cutty bad. Cutty very very bad.

Zoro: No duh. Try eating it.

Kinemon: I am in pain apparently!

Sanji: I just realized, when I resurface, Nami's nipples will be hard enough to pierce kevlar with a running start. Hmmm, so this is what it's like to think about Nami topless and not get a boner. Now all I have to do is avoid the poison. Done. Find the torso....Done.......New item on the list, kill the shark that's about to eat the torso from the previous item on the list. Surprise, I can use Kenbunshoku Haki, but I kinda suck at it. BOOT TO THE HEAD! Found it. Now, to get out of.....And now the toxic cloud is a problem. I don't want to cause more stress to Nami's body but...Oh, screw it, some knock off geppo is nothing compared to what I'm going to do to this body once I get some alone time. Jumpy jumpy!

Kinemon: I am complete again. You broke the curse Tenacious D put on me! Anyway, now that I am myself again, my name is Kinemon, but the reader already knew that.

Brook: Look, our height difference is enough that i can do that thing Itachi did with Sasuke.

Kinemon: Boob-man, who are you?

Sanji: Sanji. Why're you being nice? This is the opposite of how you should be acting.

Kinemon: I will never forget....never forget...that great rack of yours for as long as I live.

Sanji: I saw it first! Men never bow to breasts! That makes touching them even harder since you have to reach further, you idiot! What kind of man are you?

Brook: Sanji, I hate to interrupt your conversation with your boyfriend, but Slime ain't gonna stop itself.

Kinemon: In a case of dramatic irony, I say we burn this shit. As my epithet says, me likey burn stuff. Now, before I do what I do best, a moment of prayer. Macbeth 4:1: Lizard's leg and howlet's wing....yadayadayada...toil and trouble, FIRE BURN!

Sanji: Well....F#%k.

Brook: Wait, how are we alive?

Kinemon: I know, right? Who'da thunk it would explode? As for what I did...my plot device abilities extend far beyond simply making coats appear conveniently. Curly, tell me the numbers of your current body's age two years ago.

Sanji: 1. 8.

Kinemon: I am the deus and the ex machina. The problem and the solution. I am why you came, why you're here, and why you'll leave.

Zoro: No, really. How'd you do it?

Kinemon: I can cut flames.

Zoro: How?

Kinemon: I use my secret foxfire no jutsu that only I know. Like I said, plot device deus ex machina incarnate Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an actual agenda here. Time to...pick up my kid (YEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!).

Zoro: I am humbled by your plot device based fighting style. Your flames have lit a fire in my heart and I should probably take a tums for that. You have my interest, therefore, I shall follow you to your child, Flame Swordsman.