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Well AP forums went unaware of Greg's actions over Christmas and harassment towards us. Not much justice in the world, he won "Greatest AP member", "best researcher" and "smartest members" awards in the ceremony. Which leads me to this entry.

Ever felt like beating a Dead horse?

Trying to explain to some folks how a wikia works is annoying. Trying to find a life off the wikia and still be a fan is even harder, hence why the whole fuss between me and Greg got annoying. Yet no matter how hard I explained to him, he failed to grasp why I don't particularly want to be harassed about the Wikia off site and trying to explain how the wikia works makes me doubt he is the smartest member on AP. And when he did edit he vandalized... Greatest is also doubtful because he was harassing and using AP forums as an attacking ground at one point for us.

I'll take my time at Fierce Dranzer, I forgot I was a staff member at times. I was able to be a fan, I loved it, and a staff member, I loved that too. But with wikias is harder, because we're a community site not a staffed site. Wikias are about exchanging information, discussing and debunking ideas, pulling out facts and fiction apart. Sometimes we're wrong, but at least we've got time to discuss it and many heads to think around it. But one of the reasons why I've not edited much lately is the need to separate myself more as an editor now the site pretty much runs itself. When I first joined, it wasted much of my time I wanted to spend as a fan enjoying myself and was about getting things set up, sometimes not for the better. We made mistakes then, we still do. I know I'm not perfect due to the Dyslexic part of me causing me to miss-read things.

I love speculating, I love being proven wrong on my speculation, something I can only do as a fan and not as an editor. So I visit forums like Arlong Park for that fun moment. I don't always post (usually if I have dragoncave eggs I'm encouraged to do so more), but I lurk regularly.

For anyone heavily connected to any site, its nice to have a break away place to cool off and remind yourself why you're doing the job. I love being a OP fan (my days as a Beyblade fan were more fun to witness though), but unlike with Fierce Dranzer then it so much dislike for the wikia mentioning it was a mistake. I never had this problem back in 2002-4. And with life's problems getting in the way, the net is a chore right now more then anything.

For the net is as cold, unjust and unforgiving and someone like me who has a dyslexic problem, that creates problems. Problems that a lot of people can't handle. There are times when I know what I'm saying, but can't get the message across and even when I write it in simple stupid terms, they make me feel like I'm worst then I am. Other times I do write it out clearly, but they fail to understand it, making me wonder who the dyslexic is. I recently had this on Dragon Cave forums where I spent I think it was 5 pages explaining the problems with allowing extra egg sorts for raising dragons when folks were failing to understand what the problem was I was trying to ponder on avoiding. When someone finally got the idea, you cannot believe my relief. I even had someone else there too, explaining the SAME things as I was and it failed to hit them.

The net is the place that makes me wonder, though I have an IQ above average, I still make mistakes, I know there are smarter folks out there. You'd think the net would be the place for them, but the net has more people not trying to understand things then people trying to make sense of things.

I mentioned a few blogs back about Vocaloids, trying to explain to a fan the English ones came first is like holding the tides back with a brick-sized sponge. And so much goes on that folks don't know about. The first major forum I joined (back in 2001), a friend of friend was a mod for. He showed me how much the staff dissed their members behind their back and insulted them. It was incredible, enough to ruin the sites reputation. I can't even remember the name of that forum, it died its death since the members figured it out eventually. I checked on it a few years ago, it was gone (and good riddance to THAT bad community).

In the end, things like site awards are won by the reason why there are so many people out there like the problem makers and the miss-informed. Its not a fair contest, everyone votes for the most popular, who is often gets away with much. I know, because when I was a mod briefly (I handed in my noticed out of shame) at a forum for Fierce Dranzer, I banned someone because I could, yet I was still "loved" by the members even after a HUGE upset with the server host lost us the forum a few months later. The guy admitted he was at wrong, was kicked off their staff, but it still didn't change the fact he came back to us a few weeks later and rejoined out site as himself. i think we scared him away.

I'll confess now how I got popular; I acted buddy-buddy with the other girls. I made mistakes, but never admitted them. I'll also confess being a hyperactive individual in their late teens I played dumber then I was as I was "experimenting" with being sociable. In sort, I did nearly everything needed to be popular on the site with the "in" crowd, but I slipped up towards the end since it was draining me. And it did. Still there were some honest truths I spoke there, my Japanese penfriend who sent me a Beyblade cartridge (bless that jerk even if he did fall out heay with me) was real. I don't think anyone thought he was though. I came off as playing many sides, but in truth I was trying to get people to talk to me, not attention seeking, boredom really. I had nothing to do with myself. It was also true I was jealous of the best fanartist around, its not like I didn't have my own skills, but I didn't have access to the same resources, and with college dwelling on my mind at the time, attention span and effort for art. So my stuff was sloppy at the best, it was totally my own thought. I can do better now, much bette,r but I've lost heart.

Hear I'm happy being fairly quiet, I'll edit and voice opinions when I feel the need to, but I don't do the same routines I did back in 2001-2004. I've grown out of those habits. Last person I saw from the old Beyblade community wouldn't talk to me when I tried to talk to her. As for other communities I've been with... The old Ken Penders website is gone... Long gone... a gaming site I was big into for a while is gone. The fan server of Ragnorok still runs I hear, but I'm not in the mood for that game anymore, the clan no longer exists.

  1. 1996 was the year I first logged onto the internet.
  2. 1998 I first started surfing
  3. 2000 I got my first yahoo e-mail address
  4. 2001 I became a Beyblade fan, I joined the Sonic the Hedgehog communities. I joined Deviantart on Aug the 2nd (it recorded my joining date).
  5. 2003 I left the Sonic community feeling it was going in the painful direction.
  6. 2004 the Beyblade fandom died almost completely. Likewise my interest in Sonic.I joined my first Mortal Kombat forum.
  7. 2005 I joined the game Ragnarok, that same year nearly a year later I has to quit.

It goes on... I've been with dozens of communities and been around many fandoms... For me so much as happened in the last decade on the net, I can't believe half of it. There are times when I accidentally make a mistake, my hands are literally shaking out of fear I'll loose a community. I've managed to control those old emotions outside of talking about "the good old days gone..." that plagued me pre-2006 when I first joined wikia though I still snap every so often. Trying to explain things to someone, how important it is I be allowed to be a fan, is annoying, considering they haven't been through experiences I have. The net has weighed down on my shoulders, become a pain.

How did Greg win those awards - because thats how the internet works, I can tell you all about it!

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