Enjoy my toootally canon backstory of Iva-chan.
A man ran into the hospital with his pregnant wife in his arms.
"Quick Doctor! My wife! The baby is coming!"
The nurses brought a wheelchair and carried the pregnant woman to the operation table. The surgeon was waiting in the room for the woman.
"Doctor!" the woman yelled. Her husband was standing next to her, although his mouth started foaming because the doctor was too badass.
"Stay calm, stoopid." the doctor answered in a funny Flemish accent. He turned around and his big fuzzy afro slammed another nurse into the wall, knocking her out. But nobody cared, 'cause the doctor was badass.
"My darling, can you please put this plug into the outlet?" the doctor asked.
Once the nurse did what she was asked, the doctor put on his vacuum cleaner and sucked the baby out. The baby came out with a big smile. Everyone in the room was shocked. The baby had the exact same hair as the Flemish doctor.
"A-a-armani! It's not what you think it is! Tell him doctor!" the woman yelled at her husband.
"No regrets ~_~" the doctor answered.
After the man punched the doctor and divorced his wife, she was left alone with her child, who kept on smiling all the time.
When the child, named Ivankov, grew up to be old enough to go to elementary school, he befriended a little girl named Madam Timsah. The two immediately became good friends and their friendship lasted until high school, which was literally high school cuz everyone smoked weed.
Everything changed when the two received sex. education. Ivankov wanted to be become an okama, looking up to the then Okama Queen Guillaume something something. The class was given by Sauron himself, who for some reason had an Indian accent. Sauron broke down in the middle of the lesson and started crying. He told the class he had a crush on a woman he knew from the coffeeshop, and asked the kids to help him. A big part of class laughed at him, cuz they were heartless monsters (ಥ﹏ಥ), but Ivankov and Timsah agreed to help the poor teacher. Even more when he sneezed and the inside of his helmet was covered in his snot. Poor guy ._.
The two went searching for a way to bring the teacher and his crush together. This included:
- A trip to the local brothel
- Smoking weed with the town drunk
- Pranking on the exchange student who was blind
- OMG A METEOR GHAGHGARAFAHGHAGHA-
<insert Monty Python intermision music here>
They bought a love poiton at a nearby store. Don't ask why. If you do I'm going to break in to your house when you're pooping and I'll shoot you in the groin with a crossbow e__e.
Timsah and Ivankov broke into the house of Sauron's crush and sneaked into her room.
"Should we sneak into the basement?" Timsah suggested.
"YESH" was the answer.
They found out that the basement was filled with "toys" the woman used during lonely nights >_>. Turns out she ate the Hobi Hobi no Mi. The two put in their bags everything they could carry and then put some of the love poiton on her toothbrush, but since she had two, a normal and an electric one (how pervy was this slut (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻) they applied on both.
Onfortunately one of the toys Timsah stole cut her hand off >_____> Karma is a bitch Timsah, just deal with it.
<shameless suck up>
FREE CATALUNYAAAAA II*II
</shameless suck up>
Sauron was veeeeeeeeery happy with the relationship he has now, although it IS something like 50 kinds of whips to rule them all now. The two were rewarded with a Devil Fruit. They both decided that they would sell the fruit, since only one of them would receive the power. But fcking Ivankov stumbled and fell on the fruit with his mouth -_____-
Timsah was so angry with Ivankov that they got into a fight. The fight was EPIC and not even the teachers could stop them. Ivankov used his newly learnt Newkama Kenpo and Timsah had a hook on her lost hand she used to battle with.
"Ivaaaankov you BITCH. Do you have ANY idea how much money you ate with that fruit!? I'm going to end this now! Espada!"
Timsah swung his hook towards Ivankov but he managed to block her arm with his nails. A kind of liquid pumped into the arm and Timsah turned into a male.
"My boobs! My wonderful boobs!"
"Heehaw! you will now forever live as a male for attacking me for an accident Timsa-boy!"
Ivankov then took advantage of the situation and kicked him into the balls. Ouch....
When Timsah grew up to be a man of prestige, after writing the bestseller "How to recruit stupid subordinates" and eating the Suna Suna no Mi, he wanted Ivankov to promise to keep his secret safe forever. Ivankov agreed and they were now even.
Ivankov then fell in love with a soldier, they got a child together (since Iva can turn into a female) and the child would later become the Pirate King. THATS RIGHT SUCK IT FANBOYS.
I hope you liked my totally legit story and please vote for me for winner :) I'll give you caaaaake :) *gets banned*